Monday was one of those days that I wanted to snuggle my kids up and hide them away from this cruel world.
The situation:
Leaving Wal-Mart I ran into a co-worker who I chatted with briefly. As we were walking off I told Big Girl that that was "J's"(who was in her class this year) step-dad.
BG: 'J' has a step-dad?
Me: Yes.
BG: That means his parents are divorced.
Me: Yes.
BG: I didn't know his parent's were divorced. He must want that to be a secret because he's never told me that.
I explained to BG that it probably wasn't a secret but something that was normal to him that he didn't feel like he would need to let everyone know.
Me: For instance, J probably doesn't know you are adopted, not because it's a secret, but because it's something you've never thought to tell him.
BG: He does too know that I am adopted.
Me: Oh yeah, how does he know?
And here it is...
BG: Because 'M' (another first grader) was in my face yelling one day (imagine sing-songy voice) "Sxxxa is adopted. Sxxxa is adopted." And then she was saying to me, "Did you know you were adopted?"
Me: (Totally shocked by this revelation but trying to remain the same amount of calm as my child who had endured this ugliness) What did you say to her?
BG: I just said "Yes" (she did know) and "so."
Me: Was she being mean? (I know the answer is obvious but Big Girl wears her heart on her sleeve and if she understood how ugly this child was being to her I have no doubt she would have come home crying the day it happened but because she didn't and because she was being so nonchalant about it I wondered what her thought was.)
BG: Well she was saying it like she was being mean but I don't know why.
Translation: Our child's normal has been moving from one place to another. Adoption is not seen in any way as a negative thing. Being told, "You are adopted" for her at this point is no different from someone being told, "You were born." In our house it's a happy thing...something we hoped for for quite some time (as you well know).
So many things about this: (A) The thought of someone being ugly to my child absolutely breaks me in two. (B) That one day someone might say something similar and for one second she would ever feel shame for how she came to be a part of this family. (C) I can't always protect my kids.
The situation is tough. We know 'M' and her family well...from school, from church, from our neighborhood. What do we do? What do we say? Will we know if it happens again?
I struggle with whether or not to even post this because it's just all so hateful but it is reality. Because so many of you are adopted, have adopted, or are in the process of adopting I felt like it was an opportunity for sharing/relating.
*And to reiterate, big girl (shockingly, but thank the Lord) had absolutely no hurt feelings over this incidence. We talked about it as best you can in the parking lot of WM and on the way home but as she seemed mostly unaffected by the whole thing I didn't want to make it an issue to her. She does know to let us know if that happens again. And she also knows that I'll be on the playground to drop kick 'M' on the first day of second grade as payback. Just kidding.*
5 comments:
Oh my. Children can be so cruel. So glad she has a family that has been open and positive about her adoption that she has pride in who she is and how she became yours. :) I want so bad to protect my babies (even my 16 year old baby) but I just can't. That's got to be one of the hardest things about parenting. You are doing a great job mommy.
That's a sad story! All adopted kids will experience it at some point though. The awesome thing is the way you have raised the girls to where they just know that it is what is... just like being born. That's the way it should be. They will grow up to be women who are proud to be adopted and will always know that they are special (because of great parents like you and JD). :)
Ok it is now my turn ..first know that God has placed these girls in your (our) lives and that was HIS plan. and YES as mommy we always want to protect our children from the hurt of the world but all we can do is surround them everyday with prayer and let God do the rest. I have found that children are hurtful mostly because they do not really understand. Adoption is just like being born into our families because it was God's choice for us and we simply are so thankful for that... that we just accept...no questions ,not at all that big of a deal for us.
And as the girls get older because of the love our family has they will grow up to be as special as Stacy who is loved more than life itself. You will always find just the right words to let the girls know that they are and always WILL be loved and are family no different from any other little girls.
Aunt Debbie
ugh...that story brings tears to my eyes. But, you are such great parents that she knew exactly how to respond. And, in the end, we can't be there to protect them all of the time....all we can do is love them and teach them how to deal with the cruelty this world sometimes shows us. I am impressed with how she responded!! I am worried about what our new addition will go through this coming school year from people who know me and know her and now will be confused about how I came to be her "mom" now. It will be hard...but with the Lord's help we'll find a way! Thanks for sharing this story!
love,
melanie
It's amazing that she did not see that M was being really mean! That really does show that the transition into your home could not have gone any better. You are a really good mommy!!!
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